Service and Service

Service:
My job. I was driving home the other day from work and almost cried. My mind was crying though. I completely felt mad, crazy, beserk, even more than normal. The stress and the way that my job is, it just totally screws with you. And it makes me wonder that when do I know when it all is not making me stronger/better person but is unhealthy for me. I have thought and seriously considered quitting for the past 2-3 years. Realistically I can. But the money is so good.

That is the trap they "feminists" don't tell you about. You can be or do anything you want to do, you are as good as men, you are equal. So we go to college and go work and work and work. I've barely had time to get married and certainly don't have time for kids. Years go by and the state of our house and home existence is a mess. There are not regular meals, Eggo's with peanut butter for dinner is a favorite choice. The house never stays clean. I work 40+ hours than Doug works 40+ hours and we both have not energy to clean the house. I know I know, I want my cake and I want to eat it too! Well yes, and I would like that cake chocolate! Thank you.

Service:
Saturday night church service. Good pastor/speaker. Spoke to me in these ways. Yes, I'm flawed and sinful creature. But I can not fix myself to a point and then serve God. I will never get to a point where then I will be oh so close to perfect where I can serve God as I should. We sin and fall short of the glory. Period. Then Jesus dies for our sins and we are forgiven. Fabulous.

the whole part after that is where I slow down. I keep seeing my faults, how evil I am, what is wrong with me, the stupid, insensitive things I say, over and over and over again. So I must fix myself. I must I must be close to good in order for myself to make a difference. I must be doing the perfect job or not working so I can more focus myself to where God wants me. I know I can stop with this analogy.

God doesn't want me to fix myself. That is His job. I can't do it. He keeps thumping my head with his thumb, hey knucklehead, let me take care of that. You do MY work.

What.? YOUR work. OH!!!! a very small lightbulb turns on somewhere. So I do YOUR work. Well how!! *whine* I suck, I'm evil, horrible-THUMP!!!!

OWEE!

Ok, Your Work. Well let me think. I could adopt one of the church's missionaries and pray for them monthly and contribute financially. I can invite a co-worker to Harvest Crusade. I can go to a bible study on tues night (I missed the first three weeks due to MY JOB> ok that was meant for previous rant.) and so on. Instead of me me me, my motto is do do do ! action ! God's work. and knowing God's work comes with daily "quiet times" bible readings (oh those phrases are such a rant to come.) develop my relationship with My Heavenly Father.

"Thanks God" as I rub the sore spot on the back of my head.