Finding God

My mother sent me the book, "Finding God" by Dr. Larry Crab. I've read two chapters or so and it is completely shaking my world. Its premise is that we are on the earth to serve God, not ourselves. And frequently as Christians, we manipulate our faith and try to manipulate God to serve ourselves, to make our life more pleasant and happy. When our focus should be on serving and praising God. No self-help, fix the inner child, heal my insecurities, make myself a better person and a better Christian. We are to be following and walking with God. Talking with Him. Which I include praying, reading the bible, fellowshiping, worshiping and telling others about Him.

So what do I do with the trips to Target to get toilet paper and hair conditioner and the trips to the mall to get the new pair of cargo pants, to the movie theatre to see an action movie, and on and on. The daily things we do to make our life go.

What about work, is my job, the way I earn money to function on this earth, is it helping me walk with God. It makes me want to sell all I own and go to some plot of land in Montana and be a monk or something. But I can't imagine God wants us all to be monkish, because that seems really cultish.

So it goes back to the standard line, do everything for God. Brushing your teeth for God, typing at work for God, developing a new drug for God, but its all this stuff that I do that gets in the way of my walk. Are we supposed to do less in general.

Sometimes I wonder if people a 100 years or more in the past had it easier to walk with God, but they certainly worked a lot harder and longer that we do now, so that doesn't make much sense. We have efficiency but we do more and it is beyond busyness!

So for me, does my desire to write or create art for God come from a desire to do it for God or to do it for me?

Harvest Crusade

Yesterday, Friday, I went to the Harvest Crusade in San Jose, California. I signed up to be a follow-up counselor so I was a little nervous. I even got agitated and angry while at work earlier in the day, because I was apprehensive about going to the Crusade by myself and then being a follow-up counselor. Really the responsibility is not that great. The person has already made a decision, walked down to the floor and said "the" prayer. You are just there to give them some pointers 1. Pray 2. Read your bible 3. Go to church and 4. tell someone. And then give them their new New Test. Bible. So that really isn't so hard, but when I got down to the floor it seemed there was only males around me (which is a nono) and when I did find some ladies, I forgot to pray for them and I think I forgot to tell them #4. But I got them their bibles and they had re-dedicated their lives successfully. Regardless of my forgetting #4!

So I did something. My whole rant of doing something. Yes it was small, but I did something. So I praise God in my success. Which is Our success. I am a success in Him!

Learning same lesson again and again.

Just from my post last night, I've woken up to the realization that its not about me. FOR Goodness Sake, It is not about me. I feel like I have to slap myself every morning to try to get that in my thick skull. Not my doing, but God's. I just need to do my job, and not fret over everything, it is beyond my control.

I can do what I do, as long as do, but not to over do the thinking of the do.

Got it? That's crazy cracker Plato to you!

I am a coward.

When it comes down to it. I'm a coward, I'm all talk, all bark, etc. I really want to be more than my talk, but haven't quite gotten around to biting. What is so hard about asking someone to the Harvest Crusade. For good ness sake they give you cute little invites. I wait for the right time. The time appointed by GOD, and I wait. Sometimes I do believe there are moments that God gives you for you to act on, mostly I haven't. But sometimes I believe He expects you to act on your own. Not by your own power, but God's power, but your initiative, not some voice sent from God, because He has done all that already.

just a thought

Service and Service

Service:
My job. I was driving home the other day from work and almost cried. My mind was crying though. I completely felt mad, crazy, beserk, even more than normal. The stress and the way that my job is, it just totally screws with you. And it makes me wonder that when do I know when it all is not making me stronger/better person but is unhealthy for me. I have thought and seriously considered quitting for the past 2-3 years. Realistically I can. But the money is so good.

That is the trap they "feminists" don't tell you about. You can be or do anything you want to do, you are as good as men, you are equal. So we go to college and go work and work and work. I've barely had time to get married and certainly don't have time for kids. Years go by and the state of our house and home existence is a mess. There are not regular meals, Eggo's with peanut butter for dinner is a favorite choice. The house never stays clean. I work 40+ hours than Doug works 40+ hours and we both have not energy to clean the house. I know I know, I want my cake and I want to eat it too! Well yes, and I would like that cake chocolate! Thank you.

Service:
Saturday night church service. Good pastor/speaker. Spoke to me in these ways. Yes, I'm flawed and sinful creature. But I can not fix myself to a point and then serve God. I will never get to a point where then I will be oh so close to perfect where I can serve God as I should. We sin and fall short of the glory. Period. Then Jesus dies for our sins and we are forgiven. Fabulous.

the whole part after that is where I slow down. I keep seeing my faults, how evil I am, what is wrong with me, the stupid, insensitive things I say, over and over and over again. So I must fix myself. I must I must be close to good in order for myself to make a difference. I must be doing the perfect job or not working so I can more focus myself to where God wants me. I know I can stop with this analogy.

God doesn't want me to fix myself. That is His job. I can't do it. He keeps thumping my head with his thumb, hey knucklehead, let me take care of that. You do MY work.

What.? YOUR work. OH!!!! a very small lightbulb turns on somewhere. So I do YOUR work. Well how!! *whine* I suck, I'm evil, horrible-THUMP!!!!

OWEE!

Ok, Your Work. Well let me think. I could adopt one of the church's missionaries and pray for them monthly and contribute financially. I can invite a co-worker to Harvest Crusade. I can go to a bible study on tues night (I missed the first three weeks due to MY JOB> ok that was meant for previous rant.) and so on. Instead of me me me, my motto is do do do ! action ! God's work. and knowing God's work comes with daily "quiet times" bible readings (oh those phrases are such a rant to come.) develop my relationship with My Heavenly Father.

"Thanks God" as I rub the sore spot on the back of my head.

Angry is as angry does.

When I get frustrated it usually leads to anger. Additionally, when I become angry I frequently take out my anger on other things. It is such a strange emotion. not necessarily a sin or bad, but depending on what you do with it. The behavior or actions stemming from the anger determines your guilt. Usually it is bad, I believe. Angry that I was denied credit at a store because the cashier entered my information wrong, angry that I drank too much one night, angry that my boss doesn't agree with me, the list goes on and on.

I really dislike situations of other people that make me angry and which I can do nothing about or situations that make me angry that I do nothing about.

I believe a key to dealing with angry is just that; deal with it. If you try to block or hide from it, it will find you and then it will hit you like a truck. If you start running with the anger it can also take you to an explosive ending in which you will probably regret. Anger equals stop and think. or stop don't think, pray if your a Christian or believe in God, then think later and act accordingly to the most rational thought processes you can manage. Oh yes, this is all common sense. But for me it would be great if I wrote that down on a card and hung it around my neck. Then when those situations arise, I might actually follow it. Probably not. It is hard, but not impossible. With God nothing is impossible. Oh you can just hear your pastor/preacher/bishop now!

Whatever sleepy selfish.

I'm up late and unable to sleep after a couple of weeks of working midnight shifts. I feel tired but unable to sleep and want to go shopping. Luckily everything is closed. Oh do not remind me of online stores. Axck. There is a couple of books I would like to research before I buy.

Speaking of researching. I love to research, to find stuff out. Of course I want to research things that interest me. Not be paid to research things of no consequence. This researching bug stems from my need to control. If I can gather information I can gain footing of control. Information is power and control. Yes I know that control is an illusion....ya ya. Shut it. I love illusions. Embrace the illusion of control. Lift your own ego to the top of the mountain of the land of yourself. Ignore all else. Forget and ignore all others.

you can see how this is a downward spiral emotionally and morally.